My, My.
Where to begin?
I believe i’m just going to pour it all out- if you will, because to be honest I feel like my entire life is caving in on me right now. The feeling of excitement and anxious uncertainty has somehow morphed into a great fear and disapointment in pretty much every aspect. Everything seems to have become this (to use a metaphor) endless abyss of a world filled with constant unfortunette turnout. I haven’t felt so lost in quite a long time, and I’m starting to buy into things I never did. In high school I was so confident in my myself to go and do musical theatre- with make up on the side. Recently I have been slapped in the face with reality that I’m perhaps not good enough. So, what now?
BTW don’t let that make you think i’m giving up! Never! hah
Yes, I know just because I did not receive the lead in ONE production- for role that is nothing like me and is very typical “augenue” that I should not be having feelings of regret and fear for the future.
Maybe this is because once again I’m the baby in so many social settings. At work- I’m newer, and that i’m fine with because most people are nice about it. But..school wise, in my singing group, and most of the time with my extended family. By the way- I apologize for the lack of format in this post, it’s very “ramble-esk.”
Friends are so inconsistent- and the one that stays consistent (besides God himself) lives 800 miles away. I don’t know a single friend who consistently cares, calls, and offers to hang out on a regular basis. Trent was for a long time- but he is busy with school and I’m sure senior year is working it’s magic with him. It’s not that I DON’T have friends. To be honest I have quite a few “friends” but not the ones who go beyond a once in a few months get together for coffee and a phone call. I desire more than anything for Adam to return and yet God knows when that will be happening. Because, he is truly the only person who is there for me day in and day out- through anger, happiness, frustration, funky moods, etc. I’m just so perplexed by the society we live in. Perhaps it really is just me.
Am I just not appealing as a friend/person?- Answer me that.
Uh! I just feel like so much is going wrong at this particular time, and it’s out of my control. How can I just enjoy things? It’s a little difficult without consistent friends- minus the random once a week calls from various/different peolpe each week. Also, for some reason my self image has just been mutilated lately- I genuinly feel very unattractive- perhaps it’s because with work and all it isn’t “cute central” clothing wise- even though for a workplace the dress code isn’t terrible. But I know I have gained a bunch of weight, and without trying to sound like every 90 pound jr. high girl- I do really feel..overweight. I feel it and I see it and I am starting to feel very unattractive because of it. It’s a constant struggle with me.
Don’t you ever wish you could steal someone else’s perceptiion of you for just a few moments- to know
the truth…?
More random ramble- I absolutely hate south pacific and really would like to remove myself. It’s difficult because I’m NOT a quitter, this is just not worth it. I’m physically putting myself through hell because I have to open @ starbucks almost every single day and then get no additional sleep- it’s killing me. All for what? To feel like shit at rehearsals?
What to do?
Overall, to throw it all into a nutshell-
My life is a complete wreck. My I have no idea if my boyfriend and I will share our two year anniversary over the telephone or over dinner, my mother and I are on terrible terms, I’m physically looking terrible, my friends have abandoned me and to cherry top it all off- I don’t know if my plans for the future are going to succeed at all. I apologize for the rant- I’m exhausted and grumpy and tired of arguments/crying off make up.
Soliel is in heat and she is humping my leg, I broke my toe and Sunday morning was lovely.
Someone take me to disneyland or something hahaha
“Somethings Coming- I got a feelin theres a miracle due, gonna come through- comin to me!”
Soleil+Adam
Click to see the whole photoshoot
Hello!
Isabella and I had that semi- pin up-esk photoshoot and I’m more than satisfied with the turnout. I’m happy I was able to help her out and teach her some fun camera stuff. I threw together this little mini- studio look alike setting in my room with some sheets, and 3 lights that were spralled across the floor and on a chair. I really need to lose weight, and I’m not saying that to be the stereotypical girl of this century, but all and all it’s simply a fact and when my schedule balances out I will go full force back to the gym I pay for every month. hah!
Who drinks cranberry juice out of a straw?
Oh…me.
Well, it’s been a couple days since my last post and the reason being is that I have actually been busy. That in itself is oh so enthralling, because this whole summer has been a constant search for that feeling of commited urgency. Life seems to move so much sweeter when one has meaning for getting up in the morning- whether it be 4am or 4pm. Speaking of 4am yesterday I completed my third day of opening and I must say it really isn’t that bad. Now, the dismal dreary demanding (<- check out that alliteration) feeling you get afterwards is a completely different story BUT the shift itself isn’t terrible in the least.
South Pacific rehearsals began last night and I must say I’m feeling very, whats the word? Indifferent to it all. I am trying my very best to overlook my personal feelings of disappointment towards the casting decision of the lead role. It’s true every principle otherwise is EXTREMELY talented. The casting choice for Emile could not have been more spot on- vocally or theatrically- perfect perfect! Now, as far as why I’m feeling indifferent I really just believe it’s because this is not an ensemble heavy show; it really isn’t- at least not GIRL ensemble heavy. Therefore, it’s difficult for me at this point to completely embrace this production with open arms since it has had such a bittersweet beginning for me. This is musical theatre and this is what I love and yet I’m starting to believe another reason this sense of thorough dissatisfaction comes from the fact that this is the ONE musical I’m planning to do at coc- at this community theatre level. After this year I will be living in another state, and not just any state; THE state for musical theatre. COC and New York theatre are on completely different scales. That aside I don’t believe Nellie was the role for me anyway, and I’m sure Melanie will do a lovely job in her own way. The thing that gets me is that in the real world of theatre I don’t believe this ever would have flown. The fact that in order to obtain the lead role- Melanie after NOT receiving a callback, called and spoke specifically to the director. Now, I just plain and simple know that isn’t the way it works. But- like I said, this is not the part for me which is fine and I honestly don’t have any feeling of hostility towards that aspect of this at all. Would I be playing Roxie in Chicago?
Hell no, I would not! haha.
Well, *sigh* today is starbucks experience training in burbank and I’m very curious to see what it will be like. All and all my journey thus far at this company has been so much fun. That is not to say there isn’t constant work envolved on every front, but really what a great job. I’m quite content there and plan to remain that way.
Correction, today WAS starbucks experience in Burbank BUT it got cancelled when I got down there. wew!
Identical came in the mail!!! (<-with three exclamation points hmph!)
The newest Ellen Hopkins book is now mine, and I cannot WAIT to cuddle up when I get two seconds to breath and read it. Infact, I believe I’m occupying the “two seconds” in question to write this very bulletin. oh man, oh well, next time.
Anyway, I will post more at the end of the day if I get a chance.
“Baby look at me- and tell me what you see. You ain’t seen the best of me yet, gimme time and I’ll make you forget the rest..”
Labor Day 08′
I do enjoy my random title- it’s mainly because I have really enjoyed watching Kill Bill recently. Trent and I were supposed to have a marathon sometime this week- we have yet to schedule it. Wow, what a nice day off of work I had today. I thoroughly enjoyed this labor day. My mom, sister and I ventured out to Sherman oaks to go visit some thrift/vintage stores.
A few discoveries:
-American Vintage is QUITE overpriced.
(I bought two things for 60 dollars)
-Iguana vintage employs so very strange people- BUT they definetely got the ethnic blend goin on, and thats always a positive!
-I spend money way too quickly.
-parking meters except every form of coin- except pennies.
But yes indeed- what a lovely day it was. I bought this 50s one piece bathing suit (that I would love to photoshoot in- ANY PHOTOGRAPHER TAKERS?!) a cute dress, and a one piece jumper denim thats like a shirt connected to shorts. So overall I’m really diggin the turnout of today. Following my favorite- Los Angeles traffic I retired to a lovely bbq dinner with my familia. I always feel bad being vegetarian on days like today because I’m just sitting there with my little grilled veggies and mashed potatoes while everyone else is stuffing their faces with STEAK.
Man, I really am lovin this blog thing, because I often just need a place to blab about random shit in my life- perfect opportunity. I will save my boyfriend, friends and family from the travisty of having to listen to my daily issues of being disapointed with the direction society is taking, the importance of cleanliness, my ever expanding figure, etc etc etc (<-as the king would say in The King and I- great musical btw.) Today has been filled with many unexpected aspects but I did enjoy them.
This upcoming week holds VERY early mornings at work, the beginning of south pacific rehearsals at night, hopefully a paycheck (fingers crossed), and many more exciting adventures. As high school musical would say-
It’s the Start of Something New.
Now, I’m off to eat a small piece of key lime pie.
Filed under: poetry
You shy away, still
Cold from flesh left barren.
Goosebumps and tender
Touching, smooth a
Biting anxiety that still stabs
At all the senses,
Piercing a deafening
Silence with ecstatic
Breaths and testiments to
Satisfaction. Pain now
Cuts through a moment
Of desires fulfillment
As tongues and lips
Lay dormant while passion
Meets its match:
A collision of souls frozen
In such euphoriatic bliss.
Time has but stopped
As winter takes its course
Merging and mending
With the fiery grip
Of once crossed legs
Intwined with those of
A requited lover.
Look up to the stars
He still remains
In the winter nights
That play now in his dreams.
Thank you, my love.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I remember back in the day when LIVE JOURNAL and XANGA were just the neatest things; everyone who was anyone had one and I would spend hours of my time looking for pictures of My Chemical Romance while chatting with various other “My Chem” indebted fans. I do in fact miss jotting down random facts about life, society and other gibberish of the day. So, I figure the best way to start this is to just jump right in.
So, here goes.
I feel as if i’m standing at this great precipice in my life right- A crossroad if you will. There are so many roads to which I have the ability to take. It can be enthralling and a little unnerving at the same time. This year has truly been a year of tests for me.
A test of my relationship (which is still standing- two years strong!)
A test of my patiance
A test of friendships (many of which failed)
A test of ability
A test of faith
A test of character and strength
And
A test of dedication
The list honestly goes on and on, and yet its hard to just take these blind steps of faith down my pathway trusting that i’m completely doing the right thing. I know that everything God puts in our lives is for a reason. God really does amaze me- I love seeing these explanations play out, because i’m sure we all can attest that the whens, wheres and whys are not always completely clear at first to us- then with time God shows us. It’s really great to have that.
Two days ago I was informed at work that a very close friend of mine, Daniel Mccalpine OD’d and is now no longer with us. I still have not had my “big cry” and as I discovered when my grandmother died in March- the “big cry” can often take a very long time to really muster. I’m an individual who processes most everything for quite a long time. Now, trust me this doesn’t mean that the second I found out I wasn’t deeply moved and hurt by the fact that such a wonderful, funny, loyal and great person had taken their own life but I just need some time to reflect on this. I already miss him- just knowing he isn’t there to text me, message me or hug me hurts me quite deeply. I’ll be posting later specifically reflecting on this- I just can’t believe he is gone; I will really miss him. :[
Other than that life has been changing at a rapid pace lately and I feel as if things are finally going to be settling in. This summer has been nothing like I expected it to be- I haven’t seen Adam since June. NINE times there were plans- large and small to come out here or me go there and of course, they were quickly squashed by the lovely members of his family who take pride in blaming it ALL on Adam. To fill anyone in who actually reads this. Adam and I have been together for two years-come ocotober- one of which he was here. Last summer he was taken from me and moved to Idaho with his family. Our first year of long distance was very rocky and unpredictable but worked out none the less. In June I was told his family was moving back several times, none of which were true or sucessful- at this point Adam has no money and is unable to come see me until he gets employed. Goodness Gracious it has been a test- but I do believe a good one. I miss him very much and I must say it is quite difficult to get by without my other half. But come March when he turns 18- no more Idaho in this relationship. woohoo!
7 months cannot come fast enough!
As for other changes that have taken place in the last six months- I lost two pretty good friends. Both had similar “explanations” as to why they decided to terminate our friendship. I have come to the conclusion that they both share several things in common- Selfishness and immaturity. When one is too focused on themselves and what they want- how can they possibly stay stable in a friendship. One is too in love with a boy and the other too in love with themselves to have taken the time to repair a friendship that meant a lot to me on both ends. In the end I have discovered I am quite thrilled with the remaining friends who have stuck me and very happy to be making new ones. Cheers to the future!
I’m finally settling in a little bit with my new job at Starbucks. Training ended but everyday is still a new and exciting learning experience. Everyone there is fantastic and so great in general! I’m really excited for the future, and how to SOMEDAY be a great barista. I still have a longgg ways to go.
Come visit me sometime!
Anyway, I do believe I have covered quite a bit of ground this evening.
What a lovely first post.
“Well after this I shall think nothing of falling down the stairs!”
-Alice in Wonderland
