My, My.
Where to begin?
I believe i’m just going to pour it all out- if you will, because to be honest I feel like my entire life is caving in on me right now. The feeling of excitement and anxious uncertainty has somehow morphed into a great fear and disapointment in pretty much every aspect. Everything seems to have become this (to use a metaphor) endless abyss of a world filled with constant unfortunette turnout. I haven’t felt so lost in quite a long time, and I’m starting to buy into things I never did. In high school I was so confident in my myself to go and do musical theatre- with make up on the side. Recently I have been slapped in the face with reality that I’m perhaps not good enough. So, what now?
BTW don’t let that make you think i’m giving up! Never! hah
Yes, I know just because I did not receive the lead in ONE production- for role that is nothing like me and is very typical “augenue” that I should not be having feelings of regret and fear for the future.
Maybe this is because once again I’m the baby in so many social settings. At work- I’m newer, and that i’m fine with because most people are nice about it. But..school wise, in my singing group, and most of the time with my extended family. By the way- I apologize for the lack of format in this post, it’s very “ramble-esk.”
Friends are so inconsistent- and the one that stays consistent (besides God himself) lives 800 miles away. I don’t know a single friend who consistently cares, calls, and offers to hang out on a regular basis. Trent was for a long time- but he is busy with school and I’m sure senior year is working it’s magic with him. It’s not that I DON’T have friends. To be honest I have quite a few “friends” but not the ones who go beyond a once in a few months get together for coffee and a phone call. I desire more than anything for Adam to return and yet God knows when that will be happening. Because, he is truly the only person who is there for me day in and day out- through anger, happiness, frustration, funky moods, etc. I’m just so perplexed by the society we live in. Perhaps it really is just me.
Am I just not appealing as a friend/person?- Answer me that.
Uh! I just feel like so much is going wrong at this particular time, and it’s out of my control. How can I just enjoy things? It’s a little difficult without consistent friends- minus the random once a week calls from various/different peolpe each week. Also, for some reason my self image has just been mutilated lately- I genuinly feel very unattractive- perhaps it’s because with work and all it isn’t “cute central” clothing wise- even though for a workplace the dress code isn’t terrible. But I know I have gained a bunch of weight, and without trying to sound like every 90 pound jr. high girl- I do really feel..overweight. I feel it and I see it and I am starting to feel very unattractive because of it. It’s a constant struggle with me.
Don’t you ever wish you could steal someone else’s perceptiion of you for just a few moments- to know
the truth…?
More random ramble- I absolutely hate south pacific and really would like to remove myself. It’s difficult because I’m NOT a quitter, this is just not worth it. I’m physically putting myself through hell because I have to open @ starbucks almost every single day and then get no additional sleep- it’s killing me. All for what? To feel like shit at rehearsals?
What to do?
Overall, to throw it all into a nutshell-
My life is a complete wreck. My I have no idea if my boyfriend and I will share our two year anniversary over the telephone or over dinner, my mother and I are on terrible terms, I’m physically looking terrible, my friends have abandoned me and to cherry top it all off- I don’t know if my plans for the future are going to succeed at all. I apologize for the rant- I’m exhausted and grumpy and tired of arguments/crying off make up.
Soliel is in heat and she is humping my leg, I broke my toe and Sunday morning was lovely.
Someone take me to disneyland or something hahaha
“Somethings Coming- I got a feelin theres a miracle due, gonna come through- comin to me!”
Soleil+Adam
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You are an amazing girl, you really are. I know that you go through more than anyone your age, or any age for that matter, should ever have to go through. Just know, that consistency in me is not just measured in phone calls, and perhaps soon in will be in the amount of time you get to see me and such. There are always gonna be times in your life where things feel incomplete. All you have to do is reach out. Invite a friend at work to go see a movie with you. Take up a hobby. Get into a workout routine. Make the most of this show. Just do your best gine, you have it in you. I know you do.
Comment by Adam September 9, 2008 @ 2:23 amMy sweet and loving big sister.
Comment by Isabella September 9, 2008 @ 5:18 amIt absolutely broke my heart to read some of this because you have infinite potential and for some reason, I just don’t think you recognize it. You are not fat. Let me repeat that: You are NOT fat. Regardless of what you think, we are the people looking at you and if more people are telling you that you’re not fat as opposed to the fuckers who tell you otherwise, then that should show or prove to you that in others’ eyes, you are Francesca shaped and nothing else. As to South Pacific, if you drop out, that doesn’t make you a quitter, it just says that it wasn’t for you and that your passions are with other things these days and not with chorus in South Pacific. It would not be the end of the world if one cast member quit, no matter who the person is. You are a wonderful actress, too wonderful to be reduced to a background role. Plus, if you discontinued South Pacific, you would be a lot more well rested for your demanding job. From what you’ve told me, this job requires energy and energy 10 minutes ago [if that makes any sense]. You need to be resting and not dancing around completely exhausted, physically and emotionally.
As to the friends situation…I’m not completely sure what else to say accept for, that’s life. A bit harsh yes, but false, no. Unfortunately, as people travel different paths in this little game called life, we tend to lose those close to us and you know what can make you feel better about this? The fact that you have a small amount of people that will not leave you, like Adam, Mom, Dad, Me, and Trent. Although the majority of that list is family members, we still count and we love you more than anyone else ever could. You remember that.
Seeing as this is a very long comment to this, I will conclude by saying that even though it seems like life can’t get any worse and that everything is flipped upside down, you need to attempt to be an optimist and tell yourself that things are going to get better, that Adam will make it down here, that you will make some more life long friends, that there are many people who would die for you, and that you are not alone in this world. Just because your boyfriend doesn’t live here anymore, does not mean that you are stranded. You have me and I want you to always remember that.
I love you Francesca Maria Riso.
I know it’s random that I’ve stumbled upon your blog but I hope that you don’t still feel this way. If you still do, or if you ever do again, I’m going to share something that makes me feel better when I’m feeling low. It’s completely corny but for me it works… here’s hoping it bestows at least a smile to you
Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
You’ll look up and down streets. Look ‘em over with care.
About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
And you may not find any
you’ll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you’ll head straight out of town.
It’s opener there
in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen,
don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.
OH!
THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!
You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.
You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you’ll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don’ t
Because, sometimes, you won’t.
I’m sorry to say so
but, sadly, it’s true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.
You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You’ll be left in a Lurch.
You’ll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you’ll be in a Slump.
And when you’re in a Slump,
you’re not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And IF you go in, should you turn left or right…
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…
…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
NO!
That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.
With banner flip-flapping,
once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don’t.
Because, sometimes, they won’t.
I’m afraid that some times
you’ll play lonely games too.
Games you can’t win
’cause you’ll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you’ll be quite a lot.
And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.
But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike
and I know you’ll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.
You’ll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life’s
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So…
Comment by Meghan September 20, 2008 @ 8:04 pmbe your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!